This blog explains how parents can approach their child’s school SENCo to discuss school refusal, also known as EBSA (Emotionally Based School Avoidance). It offers practical steps, confidence‑building strategies, and clear language parents can use to advocate for their EBSA child in a calm, constructive way.
Key Takeaways
- EBSA is a well‑recognised emotional and sensory difficulty, not a behaviour choice, and SENCos are expected to respond with understanding rather than blame.
- A calm, structured conversation with the SENCo helps the school understand what triggers your EBSA child’s distress and what adjustments are needed.
- Parents have the right to ask for reasonable adjustments, sensory support and evidence‑based strategies to reduce anxiety.
- Bringing clear examples – such as morning meltdowns, sensory overload, or shutdowns – helps the SENCo understand the real barriers to attendance.
- A collaborative approach between parent, SENCo, teacher and child leads to the most effective plan for re‑engagement.
Why is it important to talk to the SENCo early?
Talking to the SENCo early helps prevent your EBSA child’s anxiety from escalating. It also ensures the school can put support in place before patterns of avoidance become deeply set. Recent reporting from BBC News highlights how widespread school anxiety has become across the UK, reinforcing why early conversations matter:
- Early conversations help the SENCo understand the emotional load your child is carrying, especially during mornings.
- Sharing examples of sensory overload, masking, or shutdowns helps the SENCo see the actual triggers behind the refusal.
- Early intervention allows the school to put in low‑demand, relationship‑based strategies before attendance plummets further.
Speaking to the SENCo early gives your child the best chance of receiving compassionate support. It also helps the school understand that EBSA is a well-being issue, not a behaviour problem.
What should you say in the meeting with the SENCo?
It is important to structure your conversation with the SENCo so that they clearly understand your child’s needs and the impact of EBSA on daily life.
- Start with a simple statement to highlight that your child wants to attend school, but they can’t because their anxiety is too high at the moment.
- Bring two or three concrete examples, such as panic attacks, sensory overload, or refusal triggered by transitions or noise.
- Ask the SENCo what reasonable adjustments could be made to help your child manage their triggers. What would be realistically doable in school to help your child embrace school culture again and rebuild trust?
For further guidance on recognising anxiety symptoms, the NHS provides a clear and parent‑friendly overview.
What support can you ask the SENCo for?
Parents often feel unsure what they’re allowed to request. There are many requests you can make as a parent that are reasonable and to which you are entitled.
- Ask for low‑demand mornings, such as a quiet space, reduced transitions, or a soft start.
- Request sensory adjustments, such as ear defenders, movement breaks, or access to a calm room – approaches explained in more detail on the SENsational Tutors Sensory Needs Support page.
- Ask for regular check‑ins with a trusted adult to help your child feel safe and grounded.
You are entitled to ask for adjustments that reduce anxiety and help your child feel safe. These small changes can make a huge difference to an EBSA child’s ability to re‑engage with school.
SENsational Tutor Jo, who spent fourteen years working as a SENCo supporting children with EBSA, shares her insight into how schools sometimes assess pupils who find attending school extremely challenging: “Schools don’t always understand the work that goes on at home to encourage a child to attend school, possibly for hours before they attend. It is so important to listen to the child and the parents and validate their experience, accepting that this is how it is for them.
“It is important that a SENCo can look at what makes a school feel safe/achievable for the child. What are the successful moments they have experienced? Knowing this information is key, as these moments can then be replicated.
“For an EBSA child, each school day is different; what the child feels is achievable today might be too much for them tomorrow. Understanding this, meeting them exactly where they are at, and being delighted to see them in that status on whatever day, without judgment, is so important.
Jo highlights a fundamental principle of SEND provision: every child’s experience is unique. This is especially true for those facing EBSA. It is the SENCO’s responsibility to recognise this neurodivergence and foster an inclusive environment by adapting school practices to fit the child’s needs. When schools embrace this kind of flexibility, EBSA pupils feel safer and more understood – creating the conditions they need to rebuild confidence and gradually return to mainstream education.
Specialist SENsational Tutor, Sheree, has worked alongside SENCos and has daily contact with EBSA students and families. She states, “I regularly see parents coming in feeling exhausted and at a loss. They have usually tried everything. What they need first is understanding and not pressure around attendance. It really helps when the focus shifts to what is making school feel unsafe or overwhelming, rather than just getting the child back in.
“From what I have seen, the SENCo role is to listen, understand and coordinate support around the child. As a form tutor, and SEND therapeutic teacher, that is part of the collaborative planning we do together. That might look like:
- A reduced or phased timetable
- One-to-one or small group support to rebuild safety
- A safe space or key adult connection (mentor or peer buddy)
- Support with emotional regulation/therapeutic input;
- Working towards an individual plan (SEN support or EHCP).
It’s about working together, going at the child’s pace, and recognising that progress with EBSA is often slow but meaningful.
Together, Jo and Sheree paint a clear picture of what EBSA children and their families truly need: understanding, flexibility, and support that adapts to the child rather than forcing the child to adapt to school. Their insights highlight just how powerful the right approach can be – and this is exactly the kind of compassionate, specialist support SENsational Tutors offers to families who feel unheard, exhausted, or unsure where to turn next.
You Don’t Have to Navigate EBSA Alone
If you’re reading this, you’re already doing something powerful: advocating for your EBSA child with compassion and clarity. At SENsational Tutors, we understand how overwhelming school refusal can feel – especially when mornings are filled with tears, meltdowns, or sensory overload. Our tutors specialise in low‑demand, relationship‑based support that rebuilds confidence gently and respectfully.
If you feel your child needs more personalised support, our dedicated EBSA tutoring support programme offers calm, child‑led sessions designed to rebuild trust and emotional safety.
You can also meet our warm, neurodivergent‑affirming team – including tutors with lived experience of SEND – on our Meet the Tutors page.
If you’d like to explore how our affirming, child‑led approach can help your child rediscover a love of learning, please book a free consultation call with our experienced team today.
We’re here to help your child feel safe, understood, and ready to learn again.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is EBSA and how is it different from truancy?
EBSA is driven by anxiety, sensory overload, or emotional distress – not defiance. An EBSA child wants to attend but feels unable to do so. Truancy involves deliberate avoidance without emotional distress. Understanding this difference helps schools respond with support rather than punishment.
What if the SENCo doesn’t take my concerns seriously?
Stay calm. Bring written examples of morning distress, sensory triggers, or panic symptoms. Videos can be useful too. You can request a follow‑up meeting, ask for the school’s SEN policy, or escalate to the headteacher if needed. You are entitled to a supportive response.
Can I ask for a reduced timetable or soft starts?
Yes. These are common EBSA adjustments. A soft start might include arriving 10 minutes late to avoid crowds or beginning the day in a quiet space. These strategies help regulate anxiety and rebuild trust gradually.
Should my child attend the meeting with the SENCo?
Yes, they can, but only if they want to. Some EBSA children feel safer expressing their needs through drawings, notes, or a trusted adult. You can share their voice without putting them under pressure.
What if my child masks at school and the SENCo doesn’t see the anxiety?
Masking is extremely common. Evidence such as videos or diary notes can help the school understand what you see at home. Explain that masking drains your child’s energy and often leads to after‑school meltdowns. This helps the SENCo understand the hidden load.
Can SENsational Tutors help alongside school support?
Yes. SENsational Tutors specialise in EBSA, sensory needs, and anxiety‑informed teaching. Tutors build trust through special interests, low‑demand sessions, and emotional co‑regulation. This can complement school support beautifully.
Please note: The information provided within this blog, by SENsational Tutors, is for general information purposes only. We appreciate that every person is unique, and any advice/experiences mentioned within the content of each blog may not be reflective of your own personal experience. All information on the site is provided in good faith and is for educational informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice. Before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with appropriate professionals.
Author: JOANNA GIBBS
https://www.sensationaltutors.co.uk/founder-and-director/