If you’ve got more than one child, they are very unlikely to have the same temperament and interests and might even have wildly differing personalities even if they have the same parents. Add SEN to the mix and meeting everyone’s practical and emotional needs has the potential to become overwhelming for mums and dads. How do families cope and make sure everyone rubs along?
Author and blogger Laurelle Lewis lives in rural New South Wales in Australia and is the mum of two boys aged sixteen and nineteen and a daughter who is nine. All her children have autism, ADHD or other health issues.
“Trying to meet everyone’s needs can be quite a challenge!” she explains. “Over the years, I have found the best way to do that is to focus on positivity, love and accepting any help and support that comes from appropriate sources. Sometimes, one child’s needs might be more urgent than another’s – like health concerns etc – and sometimes you have to multitask, but make a list and work your way through it best you can each day.
Recognise When You’ve Reached Your Limit
“I have a saying that came from my mum – she’d say to me when I looked stressed, ‘Office is closed for the day.’ So this mentality would allow me to shut down mentally to some degree, and think, ‘I’ve done all I can today and I can start again tomorrow’. This stopped me from being up all night stressing about not getting everything done.
“Even on my busiest days, I would always try to just have a short conversation with each child and a hug, so that I was connecting with them each day. I once spent six hours on the phone trying to sort out NDIS stuff (Australia’s disability provision) and those hugs and little interactions mean a lot when you’re in survival mode!
“On less stressful, busy days, I would try to do activities with the children that they enjoyed, even if it was just watching a movie, or baking a cake, and try and take turns with activities. It can be a little tricky when there are big age gaps, but this way, each child gets to do something they enjoy at different times.”
Relatives and Friends can Make a Big Difference
Laurelle, who was a single mum for seven years, has found the assistance and encouragement of her parents to be invaluable. In addition, now that her boys are older, they have one-to-one support workers to take them out into the community which relieves the pressure to some extent.
“The most important thing to me, has always been my children’s happiness,” she concludes, advising other families, “As long as you make that your priority, rather than trying to conform or fit in with what others expect of you, I think you’ll be ok.”
Laurelle’s latest book, ‘Do Dinosaurs Eat Marshmallows?’ is aimed at supporting conversations around sensory eating – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Do-Dinosaurs-Eat-Marshmallows-support-ebook/dp/B0B3TSP494
Click here to read her blogs >>
Creating the Right Atmosphere at Home
It goes without saying that there are often moments of rivalry between even the friendliest brothers and sisters but where there is a mix of neurotypical and SEN kids in a family, there can be more scope for conflict and misunderstanding. Some children may resent the extra time a parent spends supporting a sibling with additional challenges while at the same time feeling guilty for these angry feelings.
Sibs is a charity providing information and support to siblings of disabled people whether they are children or adults. On their website, they suggest that conflict may be due to a number of factors – squabbling can attract parental attention or be a way of exerting power over each other, or maybe the neurotypical child is frustrated that their disabled sibling can’t or won’t play with them.
Some of their suggestions for managing aggro between siblings are as follows:
- Spend one-on-one time with each child
- Teach a child (where possible) to ask for your attention rather than causing a disturbance to achieve this
- Don’t compare children’s abilities to those of their siblings
- Encourage children to play with others outside the family
- Try not to blame children when sorting out a conflict
- Teaching them to problem-solve will give them a sense of control
- Set rules for things that regularly cause conflict – for example, use a timer so that each child gets the same amount of time with a favourite toy
